My First Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

For the past five years or so I have avoided Mother's Day like the plague.  I have blown off family dinners and pretty much cocooned myself inside my house.

When you are not a Mom and are desperately looking forward to being one the day can be overwhelming.  Last year was probably my lowest point.  The day before Mother's Day I found out that I was not pregnant...yet again. 

I was a mess.

What a difference a year makes. 

I am a Mom.  I can finally say that.

As I reflect on my first Mother's Day I can say that all of the cliches are true.  You do not truly know how much you can love until you have a child. 

In my short time as a Mother I have already experienced stronger emotions than I thought possible.  I can't watch the news anymore as all of the sad stories hit me harder.  What if that was my daughter? 

I will often find myself holding her and feeling such a wave of love that it actually hurts my heart.  The biggest heart-melting position is when I am burping her during a night feeding over my shoulder.  She is drowsy and buries her little head in the nook of my neck...gets me every time. 

Motherhood is hard and I am sure it will continue to get harder.  I believe the Army's slogan is "It's the toughest job you will ever love."  I call bull crap.  Motherhood definitely holds that title.  Bring it on!  I can't wait for all of the "firsts" yet to come.

Being a Mom has also opened my eyes to the love my Mom has for me.  It has been wonderful getting to see her become a Grandma.

Mom,

I love you so much and I am so lucky to be able to call you Mom.  I can only hope to be half the Mom you are.  I am so lucky that my little girl gets to call you Grandma.  Enjoy your new title this Mother's Day but know you will always hold the title of Mom.

Love your little girl.

So Happy Mother's Day to all and prayers and good thoughts to those still struggling to get there.  Hold on, it will happen.  It may not happen in exactly the manner you envisioned but then again nothing does.  Know you are not alone.  Many struggle but you will soon have your own story, no matter how many plot twists.

Bottle Boot Camp

The past week has been rough.  If you read the "Hitting the Bottle" post you will remember that baby girl was still not taking a bottle and my maternity leave is rapidly coming to an end.

At our 2 month doctor's appointment we mentioned the "no bottle" issue to the pediatrician.  We were anticipating her telling us "it's okay she will eventually get it" or "don't stress just keep trying."  Instead she told us we were in trouble and if we wanted her to take a bottle we needed to start getting aggressive.

Aggressive...

Her suggestion was to leave the baby all day with a grandmother.  And I do mean LEAVE.  She said that we should not be around, especially me.

The gist of the plan was to leave the baby with someone patient, familiar with feeding babies, and someone that could listen to crying for hours without giving in to nurse.  Parents usually crack under the pressure.

After leaving the pediatrician's office I felt panicky.  I guess I was pretty delusional.  I had just thought that one day we would wake up and she would magically take the bottle.  We were now facing the harsh reality that we had a baby that would need some additional training.  I was not certain I could just leave my baby for this stressful but necessary time.  I didn't want to put stress on a Grandma and I didn't want my daughter to think I had abandoned her when she was hungry.  While on some level I knew that baby girl would not feel abandoned, I struggled to get past that hang up.

After going back and forth over the options I decided I wanted to be the one to work with her through the "bottle only" feeding period. 

I did not fully realize how hard it was going to be.

We started at 2:00 PM on Sunday.  She cried pretty much non-stop until 8:00 PM.  They were full blown gut wrenching cries.  She would look up at me with red-rimmed tear stained eyes, pleading.

It broke my heart.  I cried, a bunch.

I was very close to giving in and nursing multiple times.  It is extremely difficult to see your child cry.  Usually there is nothing you can do to stop the discomfort.  This time there was something very easy I could do to make it all stop...but I didn't. 

I felt like a horrible Mom.

When she finally took the bottle it was a mix of emotions.  First being great relief.  The second caught me a bit off guard.  It hit me that she may not go back to nursing.  What if our experience was over?  I felt an overwhelming sadness as I was not sure I was ready to let that special bonding go. 

The tears continued to flow.

The next couple days were a mess.  I did not want to offer nursing as an option until I felt like she was really getting the hang of the bottle.  There was NO way I was going to go through the boot camp again. 

It is really hard to bottle feed a breast milk baby.  I found myself really tied down the next few days.  She was still fighting the bottle so our feeding sessions would take up to an hour and a half.  Then I would need to pump.  After the pumping I would need to wash and sterilize nipples, bottle, and pump accessorizes.  Pretty much by the time I finished with all of that it was time to feed again.

I hate the bottle.  I hate the time it takes away from me being able to hold and play with my baby girl.  I hate the cold feel of it against my skin as I tried to struggle with her hands and tongue to keep it in her mouth.  I hate the way I have to hold her away from my body to get her to take the bottle.

I hate it.

True it does give us more flexibility.  The husband and I are looking forward to our first date night in a long time.  I will be able to go off to work confident that she will take the bottle from her caregivers. 

I still hate it.

There is one redeeming quality to the bottle.  One that almost makes it all worthwhile.  With the bottle the husband does get to share in the special experience of feeding his little girl.  True she is a fussy little thing right now but he still enjoys her looking into his eyes as he holds the bottle.

I hate it a bit less.

I am gradually introducing a few nursing sessions into each day.  I am limiting these to the night feedings. Thankfully she did go back to nursing with no problem.  That was a large relief for me.

I know that far too soon she will not be nursing and will eventually be graduating to sippy cups.  When that time comes I will miss the bottle feedings.

But for now, you guessed it....I still hate the bottle.

 

Hitting the Bottle

One bottle, two bottles, three bottles, four.

Five bottles, six bottles, seven bottles...more!

The past few weeks have been pretty stressful in the baby feeding department.  We were really lucky and thankful when baby girl took to nursing as quickly as she did.  We had no problems from day one.

That is all catching up to us now. 

As we approach 7 weeks old she will NOT take a bottle.

In a quest to find the right baby/bottle combination we have amassed an enviable collection of pretty much every bottle on the market.

We have tried Tommee Tippee, Playtex Vent Air, Playtex drop-ins, traditional latex nipples, Simalac, Medela Calma, Dr. Browns, and mOmma. 

I am going a bit crazy.  Not only have I been looking forward to being able to have the husband give a meal or two so that I can either sleep a bit more or just be able to leave the house for a quick baby free errand...but now I am also concerned about going back to work in a few weeks.

We have tried dozens of tips and tricks suggested by friends.  Scoured the Internet for sure-fire bottle techniques.

Baby girl is stubborn. 

What we know at this point is that she does not care for any bottle that has a nipple that drips milk into her mouth before she is ready.  Unfortunately even the slowest flow nipples seem to be too quick for her.  She does like to pause a bunch during feedings so this was not a huge surprise.

We have had very limited (VERY LIMITED) success with the Medela Calma and the mOmma bottles. 

All of this bottle work has left mom, dad, and baby tired and frustrated.  Feeding time is pretty much all of the time now as we start with trying the bottle for about a half hour.  We then rest for 15 minutes (to calm down and not associate the refusal of the bottle with getting to nurse) before nursing.

So by the time we are done with one feeding it is almost time for the next feeding.

To complicate things one of the repeated recommendations is that mom should not give the bottle.  This makes things really hard as the husband works during the day.  Baby girl usually is pretty sleepy in the morning before he goes to work so we only have one shot at the end of the day right when he gets in the door.  Not ideal.

I have started to try giving her a bottle during the day.  We need more practice so we are just going to have to jump right in.

You really can make yourself crazy trying to figure out if there is something about the bottle, milk temperature, feeding position, etc. that is causing her to reject.

I was not anticipating this struggle and wish someone had given me a "heads-up."  I sat in a lengthy breastfeeding class where they did a great job of putting the fear of God in me about introducing a bottle too early.

Don't introduce before 4 weeks they said or else you are likely to get nipple confusion.

What they failed to state is that babies that have not taken to a bottle before 6 weeks are very likely to struggle with bottle acceptance.  If I had known that little fact we would have been more aggressive about the bottle training beginning at 4 weeks.  We wasted some time not introducing the bottle right at 4 weeks and then when we did we only worked on the bottle every once in a while.  We should have been working with her everyday.

I have no doubt that baby girl will eventually figure this whole bottle thing out.  We will continue to search for the right bottle/feeding combination.

I am less sure how much of our sanity will be intact when that glorious day happens.

Wish us luck!

Friends

 

Tomorrow my life-long friend is coming for a visit.  Too many people throw around the phrase life-long friend.  They typically mean someone that they have known from early childhood.  In some cases they may have even known the person before kindergarten.  While that is a long time I challenge the statement of "life-long".

Not to brag...but mine is a true life-long friendship.  It acually started in-utero.  Our mothers were friends before we were born.  They were friends before they were married.  Friends before their pregnancies. 

Once roommates they ended up loosing touch after one moved across the country.  After moving back years later they ended up running into each other on the street both pregnant by this time.  Our mothers started up their friendship again supporting each other throughout their pregnancies. 

On the day of my birth my Mom called up my friend's Mom to see how she was doing.  When she called she found out that she had actually gone to the hospital; she was in labor.  Not long after making that phone call my Mom went into labor.

My Mom ended up in the same delivery room as her friend.

We were born on the same day...40 minutes apart.

We grew up together.  Even though we went to different schools and had different circles of friends we had a special friendship that has lasted through the years.

I have been lucky to have her in my life.   She has two beautiful twin girls that mean the world to her.  They have had their struggles.  Born premature they needed extra TLC from the beginning.  When one of her girls developed liver problems and needed a liver transplant she handled everything with an amazing inner strength.  She had to struggle through long days and nights, numerous trips to the hospital, and watching her little one go through multiple procedures.  She is the strongest person I know and I hope I can be half the mother she has become.

Last week she called and let me know that she was making a surprise visit to see me and baby girl this week.  I didn't realize how much I missed her until I knew she was coming.

I want her to meet my baby. 

I want to hug her. 

I want my best friend.

Our friendship has evolved over the years.  We are no longer the girls that used to sing stupid songs, fall off chairs, and spin around until we touch hands.  We are mother's and have our own girls now.  While they won't be able to say they are life-long friends I hope we can raise them as special friends.  Friends that don't necessarily need to talk or see each other everyday.  Friends that will be there no matter what, no matter the distance, no matter how much time has gone by.

Kristie (you will always be Kristie to me) thank you for planning this trip.  I love you and can't wait to see you tomorrow. 

Little by Little

Look who is one month old already. 

It is true what they say, time goes by too quickly when you have a baby.  These past four weeks have been filled with little things that have turned into the biggest moments of our lives.

Her hands will never be this small again.

She will no longer fit so easily in her daddy's arms.

She will never have a first bath again.

Her little bottom will not fit as well into the nook of Momma's arm.

She has been to the park, seen all of her Grandparents (and Great-Grandpa), and has been kissed more times than can be counted.

This past week I packed away the newborn clothes.  I will admit...there were tears.  Tears for the time that has already gone by too quickly, but also tears in anticipation for all of the firsts that are still yet to come.

Babies Don't Like To Be Naked

I like to consider myself an amateur photographer.  Emphasis on the amateur part.  So I of course had grand delusions of taking my own newborn photographs.  Up until now my photographs have mostly been limited to macro photos of inanimate objects or the occasional child of a friend that I manage to wrangle for a few minutes.  I don't typically do posed photos I tend to focus more on candid shots.  Just capturing small moments.

So of course now that I have my own child and unlimited access to her I decided to try my hand at doing some posing.  And what is more cute and sweet then a sleeping naked baby?

There is a reason that professional newborn photographers exist.   After spending a couple of days trying to get some decent shots I have determined the following things.

1) Babies do not like to be naked.

2) Babies really do not like to be naked in a ceramic bowl.

3) Naked babies will take any and all opportunities to pee or poop on you when naked (especially if they are in a ceramic bowl.)

4) Babies do not like to stay in the position you have placed them.

5) Babies to not adjust their feeding schedules so that you can use the natural light coming through your living room.  They instead sleep through all of the good light so you are reduced to scrambling around your house to round up any floor lamps you can find.  Only to have the baby be ready for the next feeding by the time you are finally ready to start taking pictures.

6) Babies will squint, squirm, and spit up just when you finally get them positioned correctly.

7) Babies do not like to be naked...they will poop on you.  (Yes this is a repeat but I feel it needs to be stated more than once as it happened more than once.)

8) Babies will let you know when the photo shoot is over. 

Bottom line.  If I want posed naked newborn pictures I am going to have to find someone else to take them...

...however if I stick to a mix of clothed poses and candid shots I will be okay.

 

Happy Birthday!

I woke up on Thursday the 21st still pregnant.  I was ready to get labor going.  There are a ton of theories and induction superstitions out there.  Some have a loose medical tie (walking, etc.) and some are just down right stupid (touch your left foot to your left ear...who can even do that when they are 9 months preggo!). 

I decided that I was going to up my efforts to move baby girl along.  As stated above I was unable to get my foot to my ear (yes I tried) so I went a bit more conventional.

My Mom and I went to lunch at a Mexican restaurant to get some spicy food.  I had initially planned on meeting a friend downtown to get some amazing enchilada suzas but decided at the last minute that I probably shouldn't be driving over an hour away from home base. 

 

Next up on the "get the baby out mission" was some shopping.  Went headed to the mall to do some window shopping while getting in some good power walking.  At the beginning of the walking efforts I was pretty sure that I was going to be pregnant forever...however toward the end I was feeling a bit "off."  We made one final quick stop to pick up a baby book.  I had been going back and forth on if I actually wanted to do an actual book...I decided yes.

With baby book in the backseat we headed home.  We had only been home about an hour when I felt my first contraction.  Of course I wasn't sure at the time that was what was going on, only that it hurt and it was a new sensation. What happened after that was a roller coaster that ended in the birth of my beautiful baby girl.

4:00 PM First contractions started.

4:15 Called the husband at work and told him that he needed to skip his 5:00 meeting as "I think things are getting started".

5:00 The husband came home.  He instantly thought I was probably over reacting and that if I was in fact having contractions we still had a long way to go.

6:15 We made the decision to head into the hospital.  I had been having regular very strong contractions every 20 minutes...however I was having some slightly milder contractions every in between the strong ones.  Obviously 20 minutes apart is too far to head into labor and delivery...but if you counted the milder ones we were looking at every 5 minutes apart.  I panicked.  I was convinced that all of the contractions should be counted and we needed to head in.  The husband was prepared to be sent home.

6:20 While the husband quickly packed up the car I quickly slapped a layer of frosting on the cake in between contractions.  This was probably one of the stupidest things I have done but at the time it was really important to me.  I will admit that my Mom had to finish the frosting effort as the contraction pain knocked me down a bit and I needed to get in the car.

7:00 Arrived at the hospital and got checked into labor and delivery.  The husband insisted on leaving all of the bags in the car as he didn't want to have to do the "walk of shame" back out with all of our stuff when they sent us home to labor a bit more before admitting us.

7:45 The decision was made to admit us (Ha!  I knew it was the real thing!).  I was dilated to a 4+ so we were still expecting a long labor ahead of us...but thankfully it would be with an epidural.

8:00  We were in our labor and delivery room waiting for the IV to get placed.  As soon as the IV was in the anesthesiologist can in to do the epi.  I will admit I was pretty nervous about getting the epi.  I mean it is a needle going toward my spinal cord!  I know the topic of drugs vs. natural is a huge one for pregnant women.  I personally cannot recommend the epi more!  It was amazing and took the pain away instantly.  Mine was also a really good one that allowed me to still be able to move my legs a bit.  I never felt overly drugged up and I didn't have any side effects.  The doc did mention that because of my height (I am a shortie) I would most likely have my blood pressure drop a bit which would be fine as they could correct that with a simple administration of drugs.  I was supposed to let them know if I got nauseous.  So all was good. 

9:00 The doctor broke my water to try and jump start everything.

9:30 The nurse told us to get ready to wait around for the next 5-9 hours while my body dilated from the 4 to a 10.  The husband was doing jumping jacks trying to wake up a bit and we were getting ready to watch a couple of movies on Netflix.  I started to feel nauseous.  I called the nurse and waited.  While waiting the alarm on my blood pressure went off.  My blood pressure had begun to drop rapidly.  The anesthesiologist and nurse came in and gave me the mediation to stabilize my blood pressure.  The OB doctor also came in around that time.  He said he wanted to do a quick check on my progress as there was a VERY SLIM chance that the blood pressure drop and nauseous was due to me being in the final stages of labor and not actually due to the epidural.  The doc and nurses reassured us that this was REALLY RARE for a first time mom. 

10:15 "You are dilated to a 9.  Get ready to push in 30 minutes."  After the doctor made that statement pretty much everything else is a blur.  There was a flourish of activity with nurses getting things ready.  The husband had to make a quick call to the Grandmas (both my Mom and his Mom) to let them know that they needed to get in the car and drive to the hospital NOW.  I got a bit panicky as things were happening so fast I did not have time to mentally prepare myself.  Looking back it was probably a good thing as I would have only succeeded in stressing myself out. 

11:00 - After some great coaching from the doctor about how to push we were ready to go.  It was just a couple of nurses, the doctor, and the husband in the room.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done.  Because I had the epi I could not feel when to push or if I was pushing correctly.  The doctor had to guide me.  After a few rounds of pushing the alarm on baby girl's heart started sounding.  She was in distress and stuck in the birth canal.  The husband and I could tell that the nurses and doc were concerned.  Out came the vacuum.  I had hoped to avoid it but obviously we needed to get baby girl out.

11:30 - Our lives changed.  One final set of pushes and one application of the vacuum and Hadley Anne was born.

Through a bunch of tears I finally was able to see my baby girl as she was placed on my chest.  The husband cut the cord and she was quickly whisked away to be checked out by the pediatric nurse.  The husband went to the other side of the room with baby girl while the doctor finished with me.  I ended up having a pretty good number of stitches but honestly I didn't even ask anything about myself I just wanted to hear her cry and see if she needed any time in the nursery or NICU.  Thankfully she did not.  She passed all tests and was eventually placed into my arms.

I can't even describe that feeling...there are no words.

(She was upset that she didn't get any cake!)

 

Happy Birthday Hadley!
Love Mom & Dad

The Final Eye

Years ago a good friend gave me a Daruma Doll.  It is a Japanese figurine that has two blank white eyes.  The receiver is supposed to fill in the pupal of one of the eyes while setting a goal or making a wish.  Only once the goal/wish has been achieved does the other eye get colored in.

For the past 4 years my doll has sat on my desk at work with one colored eye. 

When I received my doll it was easy to determine what I would be making my goal....

...to become a Mom.

On February 21st 2013 at 11:30 PM  I was able to color in the other eye.

Hadley Anne took her first breath.

We Have Cake

During one of my third trimester energy spurts I decided that I wanted to make a birthday cake to take to the hospital for after baby girl is born.  I had seen the idea somewhere and liked the concept of celebrating her first true birthday with a cake to share with family, friends and hospital staff.

I decided that I was going to make the cake from scratch versus my usual method of cake mix.  I am not exactly sure why I decided to do this as I have complete faith in Betty and Hines's cake skills.  I guess I just figured it would be more special if I did it myself.

There is a reason I don't really make cakes from scratch...

1) I don't actually like to bake.  I like to cook but baking I can leave more than I take.

2) I am not much for following exact measurements.  I like to round and estimate.  This is actually kind of funny as this is a bit against my normal nature for most of my projects where I like to be pretty precise.

3) They tend to be a bit dryer than the box mixes and I do like me a moist cake.

I managed to get the layers made and frozen.  I still need to make the frosting but I do have back-up store bought in case I go into labor before I get that done.

Logistics of this plan are still being worked out.  In my mind I will be frosting the cake while in between contractions right before heading out the door.  I suspect that this will not actually be how it goes down and it will be my Mom that ends up frosting the cake after baby girl has made her entrance into this world.

I looked around for a "0" candle for the top of the cake but all of them were either blue or red and looked pretty stupid.  I decided to make a little paper flag bunting for the top.

We have plastic plates, forks, and a serving slicer all ready to go along with plastic champagne glasses for the sparkling cider.  What I really will want is a glass of actual champagne but it is probably not advised with all of the meds (God willing I get an epi) I may have in my system.  So sparkling cider it is!

Come out baby girl....we have cake!

Baby Monsoon

Back in January I was lucky enough to have some very good friends throw me a baby shower.

I should call it a baby monsoon!

What an afternoon filled with family and friends all to celebrate the upcoming arrival of baby girl.

It was a combination work/friend/family shower and it was perfect.  Because both the husband and I work at the same place (and have for 12 years) we have a bunch of common friends/co-workers...all of whom are very excited that we are finally pregnant.

There were fun decorations...

Amazing homemade gummies for take home gifts...

Yummy foods...

 

Great friends...

 

And presents...practical presents...

Super cute presents...

Handmade presents...

 

And more presents...!

I seriously do not think we will have to buy clothes for an entire year (but I probably still will!).

I did learn one thing.  Opening a bunch of adorable baby gifts when you are 8 months pregnant and have a raging double chin does not lead to the most flattering pictures.  Seriously could I make anymore stupid faces!

One of the highlights for me was that the shower was planned around my Mom's visit for the holidays. 

As an only child this will be my Mom's first grand baby and it was very special to have her at the shower.  I broke down a bit while opening her gifts as I know she had been waiting for that day a long time. 

I couldn't have better friends, those memories will last a lifetime.

Final Countdown

Sorry the posts have been non-existent.  I'm busy growing a human.

A human that I love with all my heart...but she has worn out her welcome in my uterus.  Eviction looms.

My due date of Sunday the 24th is rapidly approaching and each morning when I wake up still pregnant I will admit it is a bit of a disappointment.  It is funny as I spent the first 8 1/2 months of my pregnancy worrying about her coming too early!

All in all I have had a great pregnancy but she is now causing a bit of damage in her tight confines.  About a month ago she decided it would be a good idea to kick Mom in the intercostal muscle so much that she caused a small rip. This has limited my mobility, not to mention my crafts, quite a bit. 

Obviously, my main reason for wanting her out is the fact that I just want to hold her!  I will however miss feeling her move around in there and I am not sure what I will do with my hands as they spend 99% of their time rubbing my belly.

I did have a bit of an energy rush this past weekend and I managed to sew my first piece of clothing for baby girl.  I think it came out great so I will have to post the final product.

As for now I sit in wait with bags packed, nursery done, and clothes washed. 

Baby girl we are all waiting for you! 

A Place to Rock Out

It is not that easy to find a rocker or a glider that fits a short person.  Many are too deep leaving my feet dangling over the edge.  The deep ones are also too difficult to crawl into (especially if one is holding a baby).  You can find huge rockers that take up half of your usable space.  You can find really expensive ones that take up half of your budget.

After a bunch of looking we did find one that was affordable, fit in the space, and was short person friendly.  I did briefly entertain the idea of reupholstering the chair so that it would match a bit better in the nursery but thankfully the husband talked me down.

(I did make the pinwheel pillow!)

 

Now we needed a table.  As the husband somehow managed to get away with not having to make any furniture pieces for the nursery this project fell squarely in his court. 

I found a table/pattern I liked online.  It didn't quite work for our space so the husband made a few adjustments to dimensions and added a small lower shelf.

He ended up putting the table together so quickly I didn't even get any in progress pictures or instructions for a tutorial!  Oh well I got a table.

Most nights you can find me rocking away in the chair reading a book or singing a lullaby. 

Fueling the Crazy

 

We are officially in Christmas crunch time. 

Cards have gone out, gifts have been purchased, some wrapping has been completed.  I was feeling pretty good about my progress... until yesterday when I went through my list of things I want to complete before we have a large number of people over to our house on Saturday for a Candy House and Soup Party. 

Most days the wife walks a very fine line between remaining in control of her craft urges and going overboard.  I often have to force myself to not over commit to craft projects. 

I have to recite the mantra...  There is only so much time in the day, that project doesn't have to get done it can wait until next year. 

If I don't I tend to get a bit panicky and go into super craft freak out mode where I wake up in the early morning hours to sew.

The husband is usually the one that has to remind me not to go overboard.

Usually...

So what does the loving husband tell his wife?  His wife that is semi-overwhelmed with the amount of nursery projects that remain undone...  His wife that is in her third trimester... His wife that has pretty much every weekend from now until February booked holiday activities, baby showers and birthing classes...

"You know what would be cool?  What if you sewed some Christmas fabric to pull over the ottoman's in the front room and then tied bows or something on them to make them look like packages."

Seriously?

I guess it was my own fault as I had asked him what he though we should do with the 2 ottomans we had previously made for the front room.  They are not very Christmas-ey and I didn't really know what to do with them.

I never actually thought he would give a suggestion let alone one that would require some crafting time.  It was, however, an amazing idea which I now have to act upon. 

I am powerless.  He fueled the crazy. 

I can no longer have people over to the house before I get these slipcovers done.  The idea is just too good.  

I mean how cute would that be?  Ottomans that look like presents......!  Wish me luck!